Rip Tatermen

The Book Thingy

2010-11-14T18:45:00.000-08:00

Props to Joe for removing this question from Facebook, where everything of this nature is somehow irritating. "Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen novels you've read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes." I'm going to bend that 15 minutes rule, because I have a terrible memory for such things.
So, in no particular order:

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
Monty Python: Just the Words
OK, one of these is a book of TV scripts, but I read both obsessively as a kid; gave me a sense of English identity, which was nice since I had an English accent, but only lived there 'til I was six.

Life of Pi, Yann Martel
Maybe this resonated more with me, reading it after Mom died, but this book blew me away.

LA Confidential, James Ellroy
I read most of his stuff, and it's all great, but this one is the most spectacular display of the 50s LA in Ellroy's (sorta messed-up) head. Part of me wants to swagger around that Los Angeles, planting evidence and beating confessions out of bad guys.

Welcome to the Monkey House, Kurt Vonnegut
I loves me some short stories. I only remember the one where the strong and beautiful were weighed down and uglified so that all were equal, and the one where the guy was forced to play chess with people. I should read it again.

Elements of Style, Strunk & White
Omit needless words.

Maus, Art Spiegelman

All of his children's books, Roald Dahl
So brilliantly subversive; no better way for kids to learn that sometimes adults are fallible dicks.

Nikolai Gogol
Can't remember the name, it was the first short story in a collection I grabbed around freshman year. It was a fairly standard fairy tale, but things weren't going well, and I kept expecting things to turn around, and kept checking how many pages were left, and got to the end, and holy shit things never turned around. After growing up with western storytelling, it was a big shock to read a story where everything turned to shit and stayed that way.

Level 7, Mordecai Roshwald
Anti-Nuclear war fiction written by a professor in 1959. Another high school library find. I had a big military, Tom Clancy, Top Gun kinda kick in middle/high school, and this was one of the things that made me realize that war isn't as sexy and cool as I had been lead to believe. Holy craps, Wikipedia says he lives in Silver Spring. We were neighbors for awhile!

The Shell Collector, Anthony Doerr
Can't find my copy, all I remember is the story about people displaced by Chinese dam construction had this amazing imagery of the setting and weather, and I felt like I was there just reading it.

Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot, Al Franken
One of the greatest, angriest, most vindictive works of smart-assery.

Nine Stories, JD Salinger
Salinger had this amazing ability to make the most mundane settings and events completely captivating, and at times crushing. Again with the short stories, but I love all his stuff.

The Long Walk, Stephen King
I've always liked King, but I'm not big on horror, so I'm always happy when he explores other genres. And I do enjoy his penchant for futuristic blood sport game shows. This one really struck me as a teenager; I could've been any of those kids, marching along for money and fame, getting shot for falling behind.

Hm, I think that's only 14. Bonus not-a-book! Joe's big religion sucks revelation was CS Lewis, mine was the song Tomorrow, Wendy by Concrete Blonde.

I told the priest, don't count on any second coming /
God got his ass kicked the first time he came down here slumming /
He had the balls to come, the gall to die and then forgive us /
No I don't wonder why, I wonder what he thought it would get us

Pretty shocking stuff for a young, generally oblivious preacher's kid, and the first thing that made me question religion.

OK, back to that midterm.

Pictures What I Took With My Telephone Device

2010-06-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how easy this is to see, but the first picture is a hose that attaches to your car's exhaust pipe, and you pump CO into the mole hole, killing them with one of the more popular 20th century suicide methods, apparently because it's cheaper than a tiny gas oven, and easier than tying adorable little nooses.

This country's so fucked up.

Say it with me: bo-de-ga

2009-08-05T16:41:00.000-07:00

The (3rd party) app store for OS X is called Bodega? Seriously? I feel worse for Microsoft, though; assuming that Bodega was the best available option, if they start their own app store (And why stop ripping off others' successful ideas now?) I do believe they'll have to settle for Creepy Old Guy Selling Tiger Rugs Out Of His Van as a name.

Well Fine Then, I Didn't Want to Bleed Anyway

2009-08-01T12:17:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I saw that a mosque in SW was raffling nice Blazers preseason tickets for those who participated in their blood drive, and I thought I like free tickets, and have sorta been meaning to start up with the blood-giving again, so I made an appointment for this morning. (After reading up on the mosque; don't wanna end up in Gitmo 'cause a pint of my B+ was found with Terrorists, and I'd always been curious about it as I used to (be) drive(n) past it all the time when I was a kid, the one on 35th Dr just south of I-5 and Barbur. Turns out they're Ahmadiyya, a peace and love branch of Islam that, naturally, none of the other branches like. They're A-OK in my book, though. Now how to get out of this parenthetical...) So I went there and got the pre-bleed literature to look over, and as advised tucked into some of the tasty Indian food and cookies, and flipped through the lit, no hep-B treatment, haven't been raped, haven't gotten it on with dudes from Equatorial Guinea... But. I have spent more than three months in the United Kingdom between 1980 and 1996. 79 months more, roughly. And the thing is, I stopped giving blood during the whole mad cow scare, even though at the time the people calling me from the Red Cross couldn't've cared less, because I wouldn't've been able to live with myself knowing I'd turned someone's brain into a sponge, but I thought we were all kinda past the whole spongiform encephalitis thing now, so I went there, and now they've finally caught up to six years ago. Oh well. I'm still in the running for the tickets, apparently, 'cause I showed up, but I'd feel kinda bad if I won. I never win anything, so it'd figure if the one time I did it came with a moral quandary.

Oh! Also, I went to get some bagels from Noah's after that, and on the way back I took a picture of this guy with the boombox, bumpin' L'Trimm's Cars With The Boom (hilariously miscategorized all over the internets as being by Le Tigre). So y'know, it wasn't a total wash.

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The Madness of Mel Gibson

2009-07-19T01:22:00.001-07:00

So Syd and I caught part of Lethal Weapon 2 and then the end today, and it was so much more stupid than either of us remembered (among many other things, at the end he stabs the bad guy after a big fight, and staggers away, and the bad guy pulls a gun and is about to shoot Mel in the back, but oh they're in the cargo hold of a ship and Mel reaches one of those industrial buttons on a rope and presses it and one of those shipping containers falls and crushes the guy), and then The Patriot was on and Mel was all fuckin' crazy killin' a Limey with pudding for blood with a hatchet and stuff, and watching it all I could think of was South Park's Mel Gibson, jumping around in his underwear and Braveheart facepaint all crazy-like, and then Syd said, how many movies has he been crazy in? And it was such a fine question, we decided to find out. We've excluded TV and uncredited roles (except for the one where he's credited as Anger Management Therapy Patient), and since it's acting only, we don't even get to consider Apocalypto or Jesus: The Snuff Film*. Still, plenty of material left. Also, his character in What Women Want is kinda nutty, hearing women's thoughts and all, but not in that South Park kinda way, so I'm not counting it. Crazy is in bold, not crazy in a soothing blue, and the rest we aren't sure about, so feel free to comment if you've seen Payback or something, or if you disagree with our classifications.

# Paparazzi (2004) (uncredited) .... Anger Management Therapy Patient
# The Singing Detective (2003) .... Dr. Gibbon
# Signs (2002) .... Rev. Graham Hess (Pretty sure he wore a tinfoil hat)
# We Were Soldiers (2002) .... Lt. Col. Hal Moore
# What Women Want (2000) .... Nick Marshall
# The Patriot (2000) .... Benjamin Martin
# Chicken Run (2000) (voice) .... Rocky
# The Million Dollar Hotel (2000) .... Detective Skinner
# Payback (1999/I) .... Porter
# Lethal Weapon 4 (1998) .... Martin Riggs
# Conspiracy Theory (1997) .... Jerry Fletcher # Ransom (1996) .... Tom Mullen
# Pocahontas (1995) (voice) .... John Smith
# Braveheart (1995) .... William Wallace
# Maverick (1994) .... Bret Maverick
# The Man Without a Face (1993) .... Justin McLeod
# Forever Young (1992) .... Capt. Daniel McCormick
# Lethal Weapon 3 (1992) .... Martin Riggs # Hamlet (1990/I) .... Hamlet # Air America (1990) .... Gene Ryack # Bird on a Wire (1990) .... Rick Jarmin # Lethal Weapon 2 (1989) .... Martin Riggs
# Tequila Sunrise (1988) .... Dale 'Mac' McKussic
# Lethal Weapon (1987) .... Sergeant Martin Riggs # Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985) .... 'Mad' Max Rockatansky
# Mrs. Soffel (1984) .... Ed Biddle
# The River (1984) .... Tom Garvey
# The Bounty (1984) .... Fletcher Christian Master's Mate
# The Year of Living Dangerously (1982) .... Guy Hamilton
# Attack Force Z (1982) .... Captain P.G. (Paul) Kelly
# Mad Max 2 (1981) .... Max ... aka Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (USA)
# Gallipoli (1981) .... Frank Dunne
# Tim (1979) .... Tim Melville
... aka Colleen McCullough's Tim (Australia: complete title)
# Mad Max (1979) .... Max
# Summer City (1977) .... Scollop
... aka Coast of Terror

So 35 movies, at least 16 screamy lunatics, 7 not, and 12 maybes. Even if all the maybes end up in the not column, that's still 46% of his film roles. We're pretty sure we can attain a majority, but not at the expense of watching these ourselves, so help us out. For Mel's sake!

* Link to Passion of the Benny Hill, the only version I've seen or want to see, and a great way to get the gist while not being scarred.

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In memoriam

2009-07-17T13:18:00.001-07:00

So I was about to hop on my bike, which I'd just extracted from the back of the car, when I saw a little brown spider hanging from the handlebars. "This doesn't work for me," I said to the spider, and I picked him up with an empty soda bottle and set him down in the parking lot, today at 12:45 pm. It is now 1:10, and it's 80°, on its way to the mid-90's, and I did not set him in the shade, so, y'know, it turned out to be very hot on the ground. He ran around in a couple frantic circles for five seconds, tops, and then died. And even though I've killed hundreds of spiders, I feel really bad about it. I did not mean to burn you to death on hot blacktop, little spider. Life is pretty great; sorry I ended yours.

2009-06-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

Doctoral candidates looking for an institute of higher learning, look no further! Behold the pop-up that was revealed to me in a moment of not-Firefox-using:

Because nothing says prestigious school like the offspring of a giraffe and Jar Jar Binks. Doctoral! Doctoral? Doctoral. I actually clicked the ad, just for you, dear reader (Hi Syd!) and it listed a bunch of degree mills, University of Phoenix and its ilk. So next time someone says they went to U of Phoenix, just conjure up that mental image of Dr. Bongrip Girafferton.

It's...sexy?

2009-01-27T21:33:00.000-08:00

OK, so how has two people in two neighboring old bathtubs become the official logo of dick-pill manufacturer Cialis? Is that supposed to have anything to do with doin' it? S. and I were baffled when they first aired those ads: How'd they get those tubs there? How long did it take them to fill them with water that cannot possibly be not cold? It's more reminiscent to me of those human farms in The Matrix than anything else, and that is very unsexy.
Doesn't a hot tub make more sense for their veiled allusions? Shouldn't I argue this in SAT question format?
A hot tub is to two old adjacent bathtubs as
a) a bed is to your grandparents' two twin beds.
b) one of those panel vans with the little any-given-Lucky Charms-marshmallow-shaped window is to the Adam West Batmobile.
c) salmon spawning are to your old pet fish and the new fish still acclimating in its plastic bag.

˙ƃuıʇsǝɹǝʇuı ʇɐɥʇ ɹɐǝu ǝɹǝɥʍʎuɐ ƃuıɥʇʎuɐ op ɹǝʌǝu llıʍ ɥsıɟ ɯnıɹɐnbɐ ɹnoʎ puɐ 'suɐʌ lǝuɐd ǝsoɥʇ ǝsn sʇsıdɐɹ ʎdǝǝɹɔ ʎluo ˙ɐ sı ɹǝʍsuɐ ʇɔǝɹɹoɔ ǝɥʇ

Not again

2008-09-27T15:42:00.001-07:00

It's time for another biking post! The Biking Commute Challenge Thingy is almost over, and I've biked 15 out of a potential 19 days of work thusfar. (I felt something pull or tear or tweak just above my right knee starting out in too high a gear right at the beginning of the month, so I took a little break, until I realized that it actually hurt more to work the gas pedal.) There are a few people with 100%, but I think I'll take the total mileage crown, which I am hoping involves an actual crown, but which probably consists of nothing. I got some raingear, but so far I've only needed the gloves, as it's been surprisingly dry, if foggy and windy. That reminds me:

Pete's List of Bicycling Things What Suck (Amended 9/27/08):
Hills
Headwinds

So here are yesterday's numbers:
Total Miles: 534
Total Peddlin' Time: 42 hrs. 50 min.
Trip Dist.: 18.58 miles
Trip Time: 1 hr. 25
Avg. Speed: 13.15
Top Speed: 31.94

Yep, 32 mph coming down the 33rd ramp over Columbia. I'll have to try again on Monday, though, 'cause I swear I hit the exact same speed at the same place on Thursday.

The End

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Sigh

2008-08-29T13:12:00.001-07:00

So I thought I had a nice little idea for a retarded post about Sarah Palin, and her being the first ever VPILF. Turns out not only am I too late, there's a goddamn website: vpilf.com. There's even a post about the foresight in setting that site up two months ago.
Aha! No google hits for LOLVPILF. My niche!

Comedy gold.

PS Yeah I know, I can't figure out how to do a black outline.

::UPDATE::
Here's Syd's submission, and she's right, it should just be LOLVP:

And here's mine:

We're puerile

2008-08-14T21:55:00.001-07:00

Highlight of the 'lympics thusfar: the opening ceremony, beating France's ass in the relay, or the fact that Bulgaria has a male volleyball player called Gaydarski? It's a tough call...

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My feet, annotated

2008-08-13T00:44:00.000-07:00

I swear we just vacuumed.

Footwear

2008-08-04T22:45:00.001-07:00

So my shoes were shot to hell and I actually had some spare cash, and I was tired of playing basketball with my students in running shoes, so we willingly engaged in shoe shopping. I’m pretty finicky about every possible aspect of shoe purchasing, which makes for frustrating times. I eventually settled on some Adidas that didn’t look totally retarded, which I find to be an issue with 95% of shoes, but the weird thing was that the whole time I was worried about the opinions of my class. I’ve always been surprised by the lengths they go to to keep their “kicks”* nice; getting a couple sizes too big and stuffing socks in the toe; avoiding grass; meticulously scrubbing... I should be glad that they take care of nice things, given their often dire financial situations, but it’s so unexpectedly prissy. So along with my concerns of retarded shoes and shoes that didn’t feel right, there was a little voice saying “get some Jordans, or some Forces.” The trouble, of course, was that I had no damn clue which were tight and which were swap. So it was not without some small measure of apprehension that I wore my new shoes to school today, and as should come as no surprise, nobody commented on them at all.

*Slang for shoes.

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Mo' bicyclin'

2008-07-27T19:25:00.001-07:00

I bade the MAX farewell this week, thanks partly to the cyclometer-facilitated realization that it only cuts the ride roughly in half, and takes no less time than riding the whole way. Monday and Tuesday I rode, tagging along with a couple of coworkers some of the time. More painful, but good to have impetus to keep going, and go faster, as they're in better shape than I. I was developing this habit of stopping when things got difficult. Took a break and drove Wednesday, and rode again Thursday (I have Fridays off in the summer. This only slightly mitigates my job's sucking.). 18-19.5 miles all three days, avg. speed 12 mph (it doesn't count time spent not moving toward avg speed or trip time), max. speed 25.71 (riding the brakes down the Alameda ridge), total odometer 78 miles, which doesn't include, obviously, distance traveled before I got the thing. Whee, geeking out with basic telemetry!
Syd rode some too, but was stymied by insufficient panniery, so I'm gonna slap a basket on the front of her bike today.

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Woo Bicyclin'!

2008-07-17T19:36:00.001-07:00

So here's this week:

Monday: MAX in the morning, rode back from work via 33rd.
Tuesday: MAX in the morning, rode back via Vancouver.
Wednesday: Legs were not interested in bicycling. So very not interested.
Wednesday night: went to REI, got super-cushy seat for Syd, water bottle holders, and a cyclometer for me, since I needed a clock, and it tracks a bunch of other interesting stuff, like current, average and max speed, distance traveled, time traveled, and odometer and total time.
Today: MAX in the morning, turns out I still bike about 4 miles with MAX, so it cuts the biking in half. Rode back via Vancouver, stopped to get a little Allen key kit because it turns out I didn't tighten Syd's new seat enough and it shifted angle quite significantly halfway through her morning commute, rode to Syd's work, fixed her seat, and we rode home. Total distance almost 16 miles, how crazy is that? My legs felt a lot better, too. I still had to stop a couple of times partway up some hills, but I think that's partly 'cause I wasn't picking a good gear, 'cause when I started back up it went much more easily.

Things I still suck at:

riding with weight off my arms, or hands off the handlebar, which is to say:
signaling, and the faster I'm going the harder it is. I would like to be one of those cool people who can ride with their arms at their sides all cool-like.
Inclines. You win again, gravity!

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Vegas! Sorta.

2008-07-14T23:42:00.001-07:00

So, I was gonna post my impressions of the Summer League games, for the benefit of Beau and Ben and anyone else without Comcast, and who might be desperate enough for information to rely on my uninformed meanderings. But you are all deprived of said ramblings, as I only watched the first quarter (conclusion: the Blazers can't shoot!) and then S and I went on a bike ride to try out her new bicycle. She likes that it's green, and has swept-back handlebars for the upright-sittin', and I like that it's assembled and sold by godless communists. Also, I rode all the way back from work today! It's 8.5 miles! It took an hour! I carried my bike up a hill to avoid an uphill cloverleaf and almost fell back down it! It is probably not the best idea I have ever had!

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Support local business

2008-07-03T22:28:00.001-07:00

I heartily recommend the dude with the big beard selling cherries out of his pickup. $3 a pound for those pinky yellow ones, $5 for bing, and he welcomes bartering, and his truck broke down today so AAA towed him here, and that sucks, so anyway, if you need some tasty organic cherries, and you're in SE, I'm assuming in the afternoon/early evening, you might could buy some from him.
Also, I'm riding that bike I've been trucking around for the last few years! How about that. It's a lot easier than last time I tried to start. In retrospect, that's probably because NW is not the best place to break oneself in, what with the living a little way up a hill. So I've ridden down to and around the waterfront a couple of times, and the ambition is to commute once school starts up again next week, which is around nine miles each way. And then maybe one day I'll be as cool as Katie and Joseph.

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Holy cats!

2008-06-04T21:41:00.001-07:00

People! Micky Dolenz was the voice of Arthur in the first season of The (animated) Tick! He also claims to be the current voice of the Snuggles bear. I have no cause to doubt him.
Señor Llama did a--uhh, what's that word for teaching?--pedagogy post or two, so I feel like I should chip in, but the catch is that Joe's students want very much, as paying clients, to learn, and my students very much do not. I'm getting better at algebra; their gains are less apparent. I even did guitar lessons for a couple guys as an incentive a few months ago, but they weren't interested in learning; they wanted to be able to play or, failing that, dick around. So after a few lessons and still no E chord retention (and then the other teacher's aide getting injured and us being down a staffperson) the lessons petered out. It's not all bad news though: I've gotten a lot better at basketball. I can beat some high school students, some of the time!

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Candy...for breakfast?

2008-05-07T16:39:00.001-07:00

So we got some Indiana Jones promotional cereal, 'cause now we don't have to see the movie. The front has a guy who sorta looks like Harrison Ford 25 years ago:

On the back we find present-day Harrison, failing to not look ridiculous, collecting his check, wondering what the fuck happened.

SPOILER ALERT:
Here's what the Temple of Akator looks like.

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So when you're at the cineplex, and Indy gazes upon the splendor of a building that looks like a Dorito, now you'll know.

Oh, the cereal. Almost forgot. Cocoa Puffs with Lucky Charms-ish "marshmallows". Not that bad, really, if you're looking for some empty breakfast calories, and don't mind the subconscious impression that you're eating dog food.

Fred Meyer's Experience

2008-04-30T22:51:00.001-07:00

So last week I was in line at Freddy's, at the entrance near our place, which has one checker who runs a checkstand and three self-checks. We at the checkstand were held up by some dude trying to buy a pack of Beyond Seven prophylactics, whose coupon wouldn't work. I relay this to you because Syd ordered me to, as she found it amusing. The guy handled it well, didn't turn red or pee himself or any of those other embarrassing, common condom purchasing mishaps, no doubt because of his apparently above-average wang. I know, this can't compete with the majesty of Joe's bonerstravaganza, but it's the best I could do.

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Thinking of the children

2008-04-26T15:36:00.001-07:00

FYI, this post probably won't have a logical flow or come to a conclusion.
Grand Theft Auto IV comes out on Tuesday. I am extremely excited; it looks amazing, Rockstar is said to have fixed the crappy aiming system, and everything I've read says it's superawesome. Syd is not; she doesn't think there is a story, and doesn't like all the prostitute killing, and would rather I get Mario Kart instead. Before we all mock her for her love of Mario Kart's finely crafted narrative, I think her complaint stems from my habit of driving around blowing shit up if I'm stuck on a mission. The ability to do this was what made GTA different and great, but apparently it is not so great for the spectatin'. Anyway, it's got me thinking about mores and generational differences of perception and so on, so here are a few random thoughts that came to mind.

GTA San Andreas came out while I was at guitar school. I was watching this guy Cameron who was a few years younger than me play, and one of the other guys was like, Dude, do that one thing! So Cam obliged and stealth-snuck up behind a random pedestrian on a crowded sidewalk and slit their throat. Everyone thought it was hilarious but it just seemed a bit too much for me. Of course, my roommate and I in college thought the greatest thing ever was cranking up the enemy endurance in GoldenEye and turning off their threat detection, and then shooting them in the butt over and over to watch their agonized, but comical, animations.
One of Syd's brother Aren's friend's favorite activities was gettin' it on with a hooker for the concomitant health boost, then killing her and getting his money back. There isn't really a penalty in the game for that; I'm surprised Rockstar didn't throw in vengeful pimps.
I clearly remember that while driving back from some lake in Missouri when I was 11ish, an impromptu sing-along to GnR's Mr. Brownstone broke out with my sisters and the kids from the other family.
The Paris Hilton South Park was on the other night, and it struck me how bizarre it is that the fact that at the end Mr. Slave crams Ms. Hilton entirely up his butt doesn't bother me at all, and aside from a significant surprise the first time I saw it, has neatly settled into my concept of the world.

So yeah, the game's rated M, but plenty of kids will play it, including any kid in my class with the means, because ultimately it's the responsibility of the parent to regulate what kids are exposed to and my students have bad parents. I don't think it'll adversely affect them, just like Aren's friend doesn't, to the best of my knowledge, frequent prostitutes and then kill them for his money, Cameron didn't walk the streets of Nanaimo throat-slashing, I've never shot someone in the ass to see them clutch their buttocks and dance around, and my sisters aren't riding the White Horse. I don't know about the Atkinson kids. And if Cam is cutting citizens' carotids, I'm sure he would be with or without the game's influence. I guess my point is that I don't think video game violence is a big deal, but I'm really more interested in this huge shift in what is and isn't socially acceptable. Is it a linear progression? Will our kids think nothing of their virtual reality vivisection game? Maybe it's logarithmic, and there's some indecency asymptote we can never quite reach.

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My new favorite thing

2008-04-08T23:48:00.001-07:00

I stuck around to watch the basketball team of the pseudo-highschool I work at play a month ago, and got roped into running the clock, and it turns out it's really fun. There are two officials, who I assume are paid, and are really good, and a scorekeeper, and then I kept track of the clock, score, and team fouls. So there was another game today, and I stuck around to support my students, ostensibly, but I was really in it for the clock operatin'. I find it oddly satisfying; it's sorta like a videogame. Our team lost, but I got my fix. I tried to find out how one becomes a professional clock operator/time keeper, but all I found was that in 1989 the Atlanta Hawks clock guy made $25 a game, so apparently I can hope for about 15 hours of minimum wage a week if I reach the highest level of the profession; maybe they unionized in the last 20 years. I think I'll send my resume to the Hawks anyway; Science knows I couldn't do a worse job.

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My Dark Secret

2008-03-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

I am currently enjoying my private shame, possibly the most disturbing candy one can buy. (Prove me wrong, Joe! Prove me wrong!) Behold!

Shitty gummi bears coated in "chocolate," simultaneous racist and sexual overtones, teddy bear facial...I can now never run for elected office.

Attention, Fat Losers!

2008-02-19T22:08:00.000-08:00

Syd and I are taking in the Blazers-Kings game on teevee, and their Steal of the Game tonight is, for $88, one club-level ticket, and all you can eat in the "Private Lexus Club." Because apparently the lonely obese demographic is their target, and they're not interested in subtlety. No word on whether it comes with a can of Chef Lonely Hearts' Soup For One.

And now, Sydney's Komedy Korner:

A rabbi, a priest and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get you fine gentlemen?" The rabbi says, "What do you have that's kosher?" The bartender shows him a lovely selection of Manischewitz wines. The priest says, "What do you have for someone who gave up wine for Lent?" The bartender shows him the bar's long list of microbrews. He then turns to the duck and says, "And for you, sir?" And the duck says, "Quack!" and craps on the floor.

My New Favorite Thing Ever

2008-02-15T13:58:00.000-08:00

He just sounds so bored by the end. I have this mental image of a classically trained actor reduced to doing voiceovers for some stupid American cartoon. He'll say 'fishing', but he'll be damned if he'll sing the Batman theme.
I wish I had a cool update, but not much is going on, as usual. I don't have any awesome home remodeling pictures, I'm not drinking in foreign lands, I'm not frequenting immigrant nightclubs...I did learn to play Dio's Holy Diver today, but that took all of 20 seconds. I'm not trying to brag or anything, if you can play guitar, it's really really easy. Here are my instructions: It starts on C.
[Edit: fixed last stupid link]

Verbatim

2008-01-12T21:45:00.001-08:00

S: "I'm gonna have some ice cream, do you want some?"
me: "That would be lovely."
S: "Chocolate, or do you want your Ben & Jerry's?"
me: "Ooh, there's some left?"
S: "Yeah!" [checks freezer] "Oh wait, it's a lump of bread."

Greatest Ad Campaign That Will Never Be

2007-12-19T21:57:00.000-08:00

So Syd and I just came up with this concept for Life cereal commercials. Have some guy in a Giant cereal piece costume, and he'd be losing at checkers and flip the board, or make snide comments about a woman's outfit, or drink all the milk and put the carton back in the fridge, and then they'd flash the slogan: Life's a bitch.
It'd be great! They could run them during Adult Swim. They would sell lots of cereal to stoners.

Worth the wait?

2007-10-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

So things have been a bit busy, with marrying and moving and things of this nature, which is not to say I would have blogged had this not been the case. Anyway, here's a direct quotation from S.:
"Who is a douchebag? Is it this potato? It just might be!"

Live Blogging!

2007-09-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

Of the Oregon game! That took place last night! For some reason it wasn't broadcast until midnight, so I dvr'd it, managed to avoid hearing the outcome, and am watching it Sunday morning. It's 21-10, 13 minutes to go in the 2nd, and the color commentary guy might just be bad enough at his job to make this worthwhile.

Second Quarter
13:15 "We'll see right here if Oregon bounces back, they've got a little adversity coming in their face." Now that's a sports metaphor!

9:57 "Yes it was catchable; when that ball hits the receiver's hands, like i say over and over again you have to catch that football. Missed opportunity, you have to make those plays, and it's all about making plays, and that's what this Cardinal team has to do against this Oregon football team is make plays."
All the hallmarks of a c-team commentator: thinks he came up with the most common cliches, says adversity every third word, repeatedly says "football game," repeatedly says everything else.

7:33 Am I ripping on this guy to distract from the score going from 21-3 to 21-17? Yes. (In a parallel universe, Sydney has gotten out of bed before noon, and is doing the world's first metaliveblog, and is making fun of my Donald Rumsfeld-style rhetorical question.)

6:52 Due to penalties, Stanford is now kicking off for the fourth time--wait, no, as they were about to kick it, they called a time out. I don't remember when I last saw actual play.

5:30 "Well it's amazing to watch Kimble's feet, the quick feet, the feet were moving just like car pistons in a car, and watch here the quick feet lift the legs, driving driving driving." It's close to poetry.

4:09 Some Stanford dude with a luxurious blond mullet just put them ahead 24-21. Anthony the color commentator proclaimed, as he has with every Stanford score, that it's a ballgame now.

:48 21-31. Not even making fun of an idiot can ease the pain. Ooh, Stewart ran the kick back about 70 yards!

:14 The Ducks continue to not score. Syd spilled some cereal on the floor, and the cat just ate it. Honey Bunches of Oats. Three flakes, one bunch.

Third Quarter
11:17 They just came back from commercial with the ball in midair. Touchdown to Dickson! I'll assume Dixon threw it! 31-31.

10:28 Here's the trivia question: In a single season, what is the greatest number of true freshmen played by Coach Bellotti? That has to be the shittiest trivia question ever. Predictions for next week's question: What did Jonathan Stewart eat for breakfast? What are Jaison Williams' secret hopes and dreams? What is the greatest number of players who were molested by their priest and never told anybody who were played by Coach Bellotti in a single season?

9:08 Anthony just said Stewart has "thunder thighs."

7:20 Trivia answer: Nine, this year. Thank Science for the closure. Oh, and the Ducks got a TD. 38-31. Huh, nine. Wow!

6:48 Just so you know, Tony Ton Ton says something really stupid every time he opens his mouth, but this post is already longer than the entirety of my blog, so I'm being judicious.

6:13 This year people have been losing helmets like crazy. I assume they've been redesigned to break away more easily for safety reasons, but it seems to me like sooner or later someone'll lose their hat and then get hit in the head and die.

5:37 Dickson is monstrous. Sounds of the game usually sounds like some pads hitting each other. The cameraman is easily fooled. Oregon is up 45-31. Play-by-play man is not a mathlete.

Fourth Quarter
13:48 "Balls out...balls out." Syd noticed this last week, that when they say "ball's out" it sounds like 'balls out.' It is amusing to me.

8:03 Chung just made a great interception. Anthony: "Big time players make big time plays." Holy fawk, he could so easily be replaced by a robot with a thing for big thighs.

4:25 Stanford fails on 4th down, Oregon takes over, and now Kevin Trudeau's: The Weight-Loss Cure "They" Don't Want You To Know About takes over, with 2:09 remaining on his infomercial clock. The one fucking time I remember to set the DVR to tape an extra hour to catch the end of the game, and the broadcast cuts off. Oh well; I assume we won. Go Ducks! I am cautiously trepidatious about Cal next week!

Two Things

2007-08-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

First off, this is the best invention since Katie's thesis topic. Go buy some, burn yourself, and use it. You won't regret it.*
Second, what would you do with no morals and someone else's credit card? Your answer can't possibly be as good as this woman's. Unless your answer is, "Let's go crazy, Broadway-style!"

*˙ʇı ʇǝɹƃǝɹ ʇɥƃıɯ noʎ

Twenty-first Century Neologist

2007-08-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

Behold, I have coined a new phrase. It is "damn you in the butt." Share and enjoy! (This post is mostly just to get that disgusting p-trap photo off the top of the page. -ed.)
Oops! Almost forgot the unicorn chaser.

Plumbing is dumb

2007-08-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

That's right, plumbing industry, I'm calling you out. Today I took the p-trap apart to fish out part of the sink stopper mechanism after someone who shall remain unnamed disassembled it for reasons forgotten. So I go buy some channel-lock pliers (thanks, Winks guy, for suggesting a sensible alternative to the massive pipe wrench I had my eye on!) and turn one of the nuts a bit, and the whole pipe pulls out of the wall, very easily. Turns out I didn't need the pliers, or any tools, because the pipes don't have flanges on the end, so the nuts just turn to constrict washers to grip said pipes. At either end! At the wall, and where it meets the downpipe from the sink, it's held in place with rubber friction. And I swear, the pipe going into the wall actually goes in, like, 1/32nd of an inch.This is seriously how it's supposed to be? Answer, according to Syd's plumber uncle whom I called: yes. This is lazy and dumb. It's the 21st century, people. We should have drainpipes that can't just be pulled out of the wall, and we shouldn't need a shoehorn to get a shoe onto our foot. (I guess that's another rant, but I don't really feel like going through the whole thing, so y'know, blah blah space-age fabrics, fasteners, miracle of elastic, should be able to put on shoe without use of contraption, you get the idea.)

Syd made a funny

2007-08-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

OK, so the New Yorker has this caption contest thing they've been doing for a year or two now, where they supply a cartoon with no caption, and readers submit their own ideas, and the handful that aren't "My wife is a slut" are voted on by us, the readers.
Here is this week's offering; Syd's caption for it, which we submitted, is
"I wish my insurance would cover a hospital not staffed by the insane."
I thought this was really funny, and then couldn't stop laughing 'cause I was trying to eat a hotdog, and every time I tried to get serious so I could eat I started laughing again, and eventually I laughed while swallowing and launched ketchup, mustard, and hot sauce up the back of my nose, and it really was most unpleasant. Then Syd showed it to her mom, who was unamused. So what do you think, dear friends? About her caption, that is, not about eating a hotdog with ketchup, mustard and hot sauce on it; I know, now, that that was wrong.

We have a new greatest Crazy Lady

2007-08-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

Natasha Lyonne, I will always love your crazy dog threat. But my new Crazy Lady is a hero and role model. Next time someone sings that crap around me, it is on as if it were Donkey Kong.

Vacation

2007-07-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, just a quick note to let everyone know that I'm taking a break from my busy blogging schedule to read HPVII.

Lose weight now ask me how!!!

2007-07-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

I can now say from experience that I am opposed to food poisoning. Although I do grudgingly admire my body's ability to identify and expel an objectionable clam, I had put a lot of effort into avoiding a reversal, as they will say many a time tomorrow, for roughly seventeen years. As it turns out, vomiting is exactly as unpleasant as I remembered it being. So I guess that's it for me and clams, and I can't say I mind too much. I mean, take away garlic or lemon or whatever sundry herbs you've tarted them up with, and they're like eating ocean-flavored rubber.
Kids' Korner Kwestion! Is the ocean delicious?*

*snoıɔı1ǝp ʇou sı uɐǝɔo ǝɥʇ

Pictures

2007-06-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture for all of you unfortunates who aren't in Portland right now.

And here's a picture of our cat's butt.

Genius

2007-06-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

Eric sent me this link; I think he's trying to keep his blog classy, a compunction I clearly lack. Anyway, it's spectacular, but not really safe for work, at least if your boss hates America.

hate

2007-06-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

I hate Windows. So very much. I know I'm hardly alone in this, and it really seems like the most pointless observation one could possibly make on the intertubes ever, in terms of originality, but nevertheless, the fact remains that somehow Microsoft dominates the market in spite of their continued efforts to thwart their own customers. I hate them hate them so much. Endless anti-piracy bullshit, with the end result that pirates can still pirate, and idiots like me who somehow own more copies of Windows than computers can't get any of them to work, but in the process of failing to install XP still manages to make my laptop think its hard drive is borken. I've switched over to Ubuntu Linux and am quite happy, but Win is still a necessity once in a while, and it is seriously such a huge pile of crap.
Oh, also, the new Queens of the Stone Age album is quite good. Interesting heavy Beatles influence, and all in all a fine job of rocking without screaming.

Passive-aggressive filler post

2007-06-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a month--two, in fact--since my last post, but I have two jobs, an apartment hunt, end-of-school-year inertia, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped! To better keep track of my sporadic postings, I recommend this.

Free lunch

2007-04-11T22:55:00.000-07:00

Fuck you, google ads. Fuck you so much. This is so not worth the small quantity of pennies in ad revenue I might one day reap.

Let's all go to the lobby

2007-04-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

Observation: $15 will purchase admission for no more than one person at Regal Theaters. So what fun, exactly, are they suggesting the card's recipient have in the dark?

A purpose

2007-04-06T23:23:00.000-07:00

The four people who read this blog out of an unnecessary but appreciated sense of obligation may have noticed it languishing in its {I'm sorry, I must interrupt to point out that Blogger, the website I'm writing this post on, or in, or whatever, has a spellchecker, and it has underlined 'blog'. In the course of writing this aside, it has also marked 'blogger' and 'spellchecker'. This is why I hate spell-checkers. There, I hyphenated. Happy, fucker?} infancy. I realize now that this is because it lacks a theme, a drive, a raison d'etre, if you will. This struck me as I read the headline of this story, Turkey to Block "Insulting" Websites. And in a flash, I knew my purpose: to be banned by Turkey. So here goes.
Turkey stole all your change for a laundry run.
The Hagia Sophia is a poor man's Angkor Wat.
Turkey only wants to join the EU so they can fuck Belgium's sister.
Turkey's prog-rock album was derivative and soulless.
I was in Europe once, and there was this bad smell, and I was like Dude, what smells? And some guy was like, Oh, that's Turkey.
Turkish Delight is to candy as poop is to candy.

Oh, I just read some of that article and it turns out they're specifically looking for assaults on "Turkishness" and Mustafa Kemal Ataturk. So, um, did you know Ataturk's name anagrams to 'Big douchebag'? Actually, it doesn't. It doesn't seem to anagram to anything that doesn't involve an auk, because Ataturk was a big douchebag with too many 'a's and 'u's in his name.
Your move, bitches.

Feeding the beast

2007-04-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

I gots to start posting again, so here we go, even if it's the most popular thing on yootoob right now:

Who knew those lyrics had so much, or any, meaning?
Please to forgive my lame post. Illness is my excuse.

Things that are actually real things, Part I

2006-12-18T11:45:00.000-08:00

This is really a real thing. You can buy this and they'll send it to you, and then you'd actually have one, because it really exists.

It's Official

2006-12-17T00:06:00.000-08:00

For those of you keeping track, "I'm going to sexually molest your dog" is my new favorite threat ever. How awesome is Natasha Lyonne? The answer is highly awesome.

2006-12-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

This makes complete sense. (Click for legible picture)

Update:

Duschwagen

2006-11-22T18:21:00.000-08:00

Anyone else noticed that Nissan is marketing the Maxima to lonely pathetic losers?
Here's the copy from their ad:

Intelligent key technology that knows you
Seats that hug you
A ride that spoils you

Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh, though. I guess people with no one who knows, hugs or spoils them need cars too.

2006-10-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

I've learnt a couple things about myself this week. Or at least, recognized things that had always been apparent.
One, I enjoy walking across bridges.
Two, I enjoy watching waterfowl eat.
The last two mornings have combined these two activities, and thus have been red-letter days indeed.
If this were a decent blog, I'd have pictures, but it's not, so I don't.
If you live in Portland, though, and want to see geese eat a pile of grain on some railroad tracks while walking on a bridge, I suggest the NE side of the Broadway Bridge.

I'm one of those people

2006-08-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

Dear NFL on FOX,
I can't stand watching games on your network. The break-dancing robot is bad enough, but I'm not going to be able to watch any NFL games on Fox until you get rid of that goddamn stupid Transformers sound effect before every snap. I don't need an audio cue to remind me that the down-and-yards text is going away. I don't give a shit what that graphic is doing; I'm trying to watch a game. Playing make-believe with you guys that the game is inside some magical robospaceship does not enhance my viewer experience.
Also, I know you're a different channel and department and all, but Bill O'Reilly is a total douche.
There's my two cents,
Have a good year
Rip

Go Ferries!

2006-05-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

The following teams are apparently gay -- or at least, gayer than custom teddy bears dressed like whores.

Mastication

2006-05-08T18:01:00.000-07:00

Today I remembered that as a kid I used the acronym ABC, Already Been Chewed. What I can't remember is how that phrase was used so frequently as to necessitate abbreviation.
Also, I signed up for those google ads that are based on what you type. With a readership of roughly two, I don't anticipate teh phat lewtz, as the kids say; mostly it's just to see what crazy crap shows up. The ad content tail may well soon wag the blog post dog.

An Open Letter

2006-04-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Old Man I flipped off yesterday,
sorry about that. You see, I was only half paying attention, as I had a red light, and all I saw was a black kid crossing the street, and an old white guy scowling and shaking his head at being unable to make his left turn, so when you made eye contact to commiserate, I thought you were a racist old coot, and I flipped you the bird. Then I noticed that the don't walk sign was lit up. To your credit, you handled my salty rejoinder with grace and, no doubt, a certain melancholy resignation as to the state of The Youth these days. I am aware that there is basically no chance you will read this, but perhaps someone reading this has a grandpa in Silver Spring, MD, and they will call you and hear about the day you had, with punk-ass kids ruining your afternoon drive, and they will relay my message to you. Again, I apologize for making a rude gesture when you had every right to be cranky about a jaywalker.
Sincerely,
Rip Tatermen